Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
