Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Someone signed my nipple.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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