woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
