i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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