My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
