party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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