I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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