my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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