ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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