And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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