We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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