I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
