I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
