the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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