I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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