Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
