Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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