My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
