Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
