I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
