I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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