I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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