I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
