I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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