I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
