last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
