apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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