Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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