rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
