so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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