dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
