My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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