Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
NoShamevember. You game?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
