My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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