Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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