If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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