One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
