he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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