WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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