i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize