i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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