I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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