I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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