Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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