he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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