stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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