dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
