he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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