Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
