piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize