things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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