his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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