Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
