he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
