I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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