TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
