it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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