she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
