Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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