Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
