i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone shattered a urinal.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
